I’m writing you this letter, because I have something deeply pressing on my heart, and I know if I don’t, I’ll be leaving you in the dark. It’s not easy for me to look at you and say it directly to your face, so I’m sorry I couldn’t be braver and just state my case.
I don’t know how to lead into this, so I’ll just come right out and say ... I am gay.
When I was younger and I would play pretend with family and friends, I would always want to play the role of a guy. It was never because I wanted to be a male, I just knew that the guy always got the girl. However, I never thought it was weird until I got older. I just always said it was because I had brothers, and no one seemed bothered.
Growing up, all the girls my age wanted to be the leading female role in movies, I would fantasize about being WITH the leading ladies. I even remember telling my best friend at the age of 10 about a girl in school that I wanted to be my girlfriend. Her response back was “you mean like a girl who’s just a good friend, right?” I said shyly, “yes, of course! Don’t be so uptight.” I knew something wasn’t right with me, I should be interested in men, but I held the thoughts in my head and told myself I must be broken instead.
Growing up in church and having a strong Christian family, I knew what my faith said about homosexuality. I love God and Jesus Christ with all of my heart, and the thought of being outcast suppressed the feelings of wanting to flirt. If I could just act a bit more formal, maybe I could pretend to be normal. But instead, I would hide away to cry at least once a day ... just praying to God for me not to be gay.
I would walk around and find girls extremely attractive. But I would clench my fists, grip my eyes shut and tell myself that I was disgusting for thinking of them that way. I wasn’t sexualizing women as I saw them, but I would think about how awesome it would be to be able to hold their hand, go on dates and be there for them, in more ways than just a friend.
People started rumors when I was younger. Saying I was gay only resulted in my anger. I fought to the death saying I liked guys, but I was trying to convince myself more than those who started the lies. I thought maybe it’s because of how I dress, but that was just my excuse so I wouldn’t have to confess. I would get mean and nasty to those who were more flashy about their sexual orientation, but deep inside I’ve just been deathly scared of eternal damnation.
In the back of my mind, if I didn’t come off as dysfunctional, I wouldn’t have to be defined as one of the untouchables. And, before you say it ... if love was a choice, I wouldn’t feel so stripped of my voice; why would I choose something that could get me disowned by my family, my church, my friends and possibly fired from a job? I won’t hide who I am, I can’t keep running this scam. I could stay closeted for the rest of my life, but my thoughts are as sharp as a knife and I can't keep up the self harm.
I could tell you that I am bisexual to make the blow easier, hoping one day being with a man would seem sweeter. However, although I find men to be attractive, the thought of becoming intimate with one doesn't at all sound fantastic.
When I was dating guys, there was always a disconnect. I wanted so badly to like them romantically, maybe then no one would suspect the secret that I kept. However, I only liked the attention from being in a relationship, or have only liked them to the level of our super close friendship. I just could never bring myself to the thought of becoming intimate with them later in life. I even went boy crazy at times thinking that if I just found THE RIGHT ONE, all of this would go away and I would be alright.
The thing is, I want to be able to love someone in every way that they deserve, and to be loved back in the same way. It’s not fair to pretend I’m in love with someone I’m not, could you imagine that kind of hurt? I just want to be able to put my true love on display.
I know this is hard to hear, believe me, I’ve been living in fear. I don’t want to disappoint, because I know your standpoint, but I’m deeply hurting inside from everything that I’ve had to hide. I don’t expect you to accept what you call my lifestyle, I just ask that you accept me for who I am and not get hostile. I am still me, with just one less secret to keep. I hope you will still love me the same. As an extension of that, I also ask that whoever I am in a relationship with to receive a similar level of love and respect. I know that won’t come easy at first, but I hope with time and understanding it won’t feel forced.
I love you. I’m not telling you this to hurt you, I’m not telling you this for attention, I’m not doing this to upset you. I want you to know that I love you so much, that I want to tell you who I am without it hurting this much.
With all my love,
Morgan
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